Posted in English, Portuguese

Apparently, That Was All Wrong

I wrote a post a couple of days ago, based around a joke. I was a bit surprised because the person who corrected my text said that I had made hardly any mistakes and that, contrary to what I thought, the joke worked well because “levar (…) ao jardim zoológico” and “levar (…) para o jardim zoológico” were interchangeable.

Well, that was all bollocks. The person in question was Brazilian and not very “picuinhas” at all. I had, of course, made plenty of errors, and the joke doesn’t work either. Sorry if any of you told it at a party and were met with blank stares. Taking a penguin to the zoo on a visit and taking it to be permanently housed at the zoo are too different in Portuguese for this misunderstanding to arise.

Um agente da PSP viu um homem num carro com 6 pinguins no banco de trás. Fez-lhe sinal para encostar o carro.

– Isto não pode ser, disse o polícia. O senhor tem de levar estes pinguins para o jardim zoológico.

O homem concordou e arrancou em direção ao zoológico.

No dia seguinte, o agente viu o mesmo homem a conduzir na Avenida Almirante Reis* com os mesmos pinguins. Mais uma vez, fez-lhe sinal para que estacionasse e aproximou-se do carro, parando várias vezes para evitar os ciclistas.

– Ó meu senhor, o que é que está a acontecer? Eu disse-lhe ontem que tinha de levar estas aves para o zoológico zoológico.

-Sim, disse o motorista. E curtiram muito. Hoje vamos para o cinema.

*this bit about the cyclists on the Avenida Almirante Reis is irrelevant and I only put not in to demonstrate my familiarity with urban planning controversies in Lisboa.

Posted in English, Portuguese

O Jardim Zoológico

(This post is completely wrong – I’ve posted an update here and I suggest you ignore this and read that instead!)

Here’s a joke I translated and asked if it worked. The person who marked it said it was fine, but he also offered very few corrections so maybe he’s just an easy-going type who makes allowances. Anyway, the reason I thought it would flop was the difference between “levar ao jardim zoológico” (take them to visit) and “levar para o jardim zoológico” (take them for the long term) would make it hard for a misunderstanding like this to occur. But he seemed to like it so maybe its OK. Try telling it to a Portuguese person and see what their reaction is.

Um agente da PSP viu um homem num carro com 6 pinguins no banco de trás. Indicou-lhe para encostar o carro.

– Isso não dá, disse o polícia. O senhor deve levar estes pinguins para o jardim zoológico.

O homem concordou e arrancou em direção ao jardim.

No dia seguinte, o agente viu o mesmo homem a conduzir na Avenida Almirante Reis* com os mesmos pinguins. Indicou-lhe mais uma vez para se estacionar e aproximou-se ao carro, pausando de vez em quando para evitar as ciclistas.

– Ó meu senhor, o que é que está a acontecer? Eu disse-lhe ontem que devia levar estas aves para o zoológico zoológico.

-Sim, disse o motorista. E curtiram muito. Hoje vamos para o cinema.

*this bit about the cyclists on the Avenida Almirante Reis is irrelevant and I only put not in to demonstrate my familiarity with urban planning controversies in Lisboa.

Posted in English, Portuguese

O Limerick

I enjoyed this as a challenge. And let me pass along the challenge to you, gentle reader: can you write a Limerick in Portuguese? Whack it in the comments and show me what you’ve got. All entrants win a free subscription to Luso Premium. That’s like ordinary Luso except you are allowed to read it out loud to yourself in a Michael Caine voice.

Um Limerick é um poema humorístico com 5 linhas. A primeira, a segunda e a quinta linhas rimam umas com as outras e a quarta rima com a terceira. Desafiei-me escrever um Limerick em português. Desculpem – acho que contem asneiras…

Havia um jovem do Porto
Cujo pénis era bastante torto
Mijou de maneira errada
Salpicou a tomada
Por isso o homem é morto*

*Apparently “é um homem morto” sounds more natural but I liked the rhythm better like this so I’ve left it.

Posted in English

How The Pros Do It

So my previous post was me making a joke about an advert that appeared in Portugal and that seemed to have a fairly terrible definition of the word “bissexual” (sic: it has two esses in Portuguese). Ricardo Araújo Pereira, who is the country’s leading humorist, or one of them anyway, had a pop at the exact same thing in his column in the expresso and now I feel like I might have been outdone in the piss-taking stakes. I think I’m going to make today s text about this on Writestreakpt and then follow up with a book review for Cadernos da Água tomorrow.

Posted in English

Super Ego-Trip Humilde 🔞

Carrying on the translation tradition, I thought I’d have a go at this rap by Gandim because I can understand most of it but not quite all and I thought it would be fun to do the research and really understand it from top to bottom. Gandim means something like “workshy person”. He isn’t a real rapper, he’s a character invented by Guilherme Duarte. Duarte originally trained as a computer scientist (that’s relevant context for the song, believe it or not!) but he’s famous as a comedian who has been involved in a few different podcasts and media projects such as “Por Falar Noutras Coisas” (“Speaking of Other Things”). Here, he’s having a rap battle with himself in his “real” persona. It’s quite funny and has lots of good slang. It’s ABSOLUTELY FILTHY though. Seriously – this is definitely the rudest thing I’ve ever translated on here, so if you’re of a sensitive disposition you might want to skip this one!

It’s also interesting how they’re using some english words and expresions in ways that are close to but not quite identical to the way we use them ourselves: even in the title, “ego-trip”, seems just to mean a boastful rap and “feat” is obviously just “featuring” but later in the lyrics they seem to be using it as a noun, roughly equivalent to “collaboration”

Ya, Gandim feat Guilherme Duarte / Yeah, Gandim, feat Guilherme Duarte
Juntos no mesmo som mesmo / Together in the same track
Ninguém estava à espera / Nobody was expecting it
Não sei se a tuga está preparada para isto / I don’t know if the Tuga was ready for this
Vamos mostrar como é que se faz / Let’s show them how it’s done

Isto nunca foi visto / This has never been seen
Porque nunca foi feito / Because it’s never been done
Parece que viste o anti-cristo, boy / It looks like you’ve seen the anti-christ, boy
Até te cai o queixo / Even your jaw is drooping
Vai deixar mazela / It’s going to leave a wound
Ainda nos vão pedir sequela / They’re going to ask us for a sequel
As rimas são como as cricas / The rhymes are like pussies
Aparecem tipo dicas / They appear like tips
De todos os lados / From all sides
Eu e o Guilherme (Olá Olá) os mais pesados / Me and Guilherme (Hello, Hello) the heaviest
Espera lá… isto é uma egotrip? / Wait… is this an ego-trip?
Ya, faz sentido pelo beat / Yeah, that makes sense from the beat
Devia ter visto a tua parte antes de gravarmos o feat / I should have watched your part before we recorded the “feat
Mas obrigado por me fazeres o convite / But thanks for the invitation
Mas é melhor falares por ti / But it’s best to speak for yourself
Eu nem sou bem rapper / I’m not really a rapper
Há muitos melhores do que eu por aí / There are a lot better than me round here

Não vale a pena essa humildade / This humility is no good
Nu sta* rebenta sociedade / We are blowing up society
O game vai mudar, a gente veio para ficar / The game is going to change – we came to stay
Este som é bomba atómica, vai incinerar / This track is a nuclear bomb. It’s going to incinerate
Calma, man / Calm down, man
Não é preciso exagerar / There’s no need to exagerate
Tipo exibicionistas / Like exhibitionists
Não vamos estar aqui a criar / We didn’t come here to create
Sei lá, expectativas irrealistas / I dunno… unrealistic expectations
É um som razoável / It’s a reasonable track
Um flow confortável / A comfortable flow
Não vai ser nada memorável / It isn’t going to be memorable at all
Nem raro de outro mundo tipo marte / Not rare, from another world like Mars
Falo, claro, da minha parte / I’m speaking of course, from my own perspective

As damas até ficam loucas, desvairadas, malucas / The women go crazy, frenzied, insane
Desapertam as blusas e abanam as bundas / They loosen their blouses and shake their asses**
Ficam com água nas bocas / Their mouths water
Quando vêem as nossas bazucas / When they see our bazookas
Vocês fazem cara de mau a pensar que têm pila grande / You make like a badass, thinking what big dicks you have
Mole já mete respeito mas olha ainda expande / Soft, they give respect, but then they expand
O que vocês têm de pau a gente tem só de glande / Our glans alone is the size of your whole dick***
Pah, o meu é médio, não vou mentir / Mate, mine is pretty average, not gonna lie
Não é grande nem vale a pena medir / It’s not big but I’m not going to measure it
Nem grosso nem fino, é banal quando estou contente / It’s not thick or thin, it’s OK when I’m happy
E quando está murcho até é bastante deprimente / And when it’s soft, it’s pretty depressing
Mas dizem que o tamanho não importa / But they say size doesn’t matter
E mesmo que seja um bocado torta / Even if it’s a little bent
Desde que não esteja morta / As long as I’m not dead
O que conta é o que se faz com o membro peniano / What matters is what you do with your penile member
E nisso, confesso, sou mais que mediano / And with that I am above average
Aguento tipo 7 ou 8 minutos / I can last like 7 or 8 minutes
Parece pouco, mas 5 é a média / It doesn’t seem like much but the average is 5
Não estou a gozar, li na Wikipédia / I’m not kidding, I read it on Wikipedia

Cus e mamas, everywhere / Tits and ass everywhere
Comemos com as mãos, sem talher / We eat with our hands, no cutlery
Lambemos o prato todo da tua mulher / We lick your wife’s plate clean
Até cai pó lado como Feher / Until she falls over like Fehér****
Ela quer mais diz que tu só reclamas / She wants more and says you only complain
Nem é preciso férias nas Bahamas / A holiday in the Bahamas isn’t necessary
É mesmo aí nas vossas camas / It’s right here in your beds
Que vamos comer as vossas damas / that we eat***** your women
Vamos? os dois ao mesmo tempo / “We”? Both at the same time?
É um bocado estranho (caga nisso bro) / That’s a little bit weird (fuck this, bro)
Tenho alguns complexos com o meu corpo / I have a few body issues
E nem é pelo tamanho / And it’s not about the size
Estar assim nu ao pé de outro homem / To be right there next to another man
É demasiada nudez / That’s too much nakedness
Não sei, dá para ir à vez / I dunno, maybe we could take turns
Não quero ser mau companheiro / I don’t want to be a bad companion
Mas se é para ir, vou em primeiro / But if I’m going, I’m going first

A gente derrapa, drift fast and furious style / We slide in, Fast and Furious style
Elas ficam molhadas com o nosso flow 8 mile / And they get wet with our 8 Mile flow
Quer boleia a tua hoe / Does your ho want a ride?
E não é só no meu lambo / And not just in my lambo******
Tem mudanças automáticas, 7 / It has seven automatic gears
Mas ela tem a mão na manete / But she has her hand on my gearstick
Não tenho guita para lambos / I don’t have the money for lambos
E até acho que é muito show off / And I find them a bit showy
Não curto dar nas vistas / I don’t enjoy showing off
O meu bote é um clio de 99 / My ride is a 99 Clio
Patina quando chove, faz barulhos da panela / It skids when it rains, makes a noise from the oil pan
Tem pelos de cadela, rádio só à capella / It has dog-hairs everywhere and the radio is only a capella
Não liga à primeira quando a noite gela / It doesn’t start first time on cold nights
Deve ser problema de velas / It must be some problem with the spark plugs

Aqui é faroeste, a lei é nossa / Here in the wild west******* the law is ours
Tu estás a leste, baza ou levas coça / You are from the east, get the hell out of here or get spanked
O que tu cospes cai no meu spam / What you spit******** falls into my spam folder
Mas quem não cospe é a tua irmã / But your sister doesn’t spit
Aqui é conflito, não é meninos da mamã / This is war, not mummy’s kids
À noite é delito, dormir de manhã / the night is sin, sleep in the morning
Vens dar para gangster com o teu clã / You’re coming like a gangster with your posse
Ainda deixas a tua filha orfã / You’ll just leave your daughter an orphan
Gandim, não sei se te consigo acompanhar assim / Gandim, I don’t know if I can carry on like this
Eu não sou gangster nem g / I’m not a gangster or a G
Só houve aquela vez que roubei uns cromos da panini / The only thing I have ever stolen is some Panini stickers
Sempre fui bom aluno, calminho / I was always a good student, calm
Eu sou bué humilde, mano / I’m really humble, man
Já na autoavaliação pedia baixinho / In the self-evaluation I asked for a lower mark
Menos do que achava que merecia no ano / Less than they thought I deserved that year

Manda vir a tua crew / tell your crew to come
E ainda sais daqui todo nu / And you’ll leave here naked
Andas aí armado em clown / There you go, acting like a clown
A tua tropa sai daqui tipo black hawk down / Your soldiers will leave here like Black Hawk Down
Eu e o Guilherme a gente arrebenta / Me and Guilherme, we destroy
Venham todos que a gente enfrenta / No matter who we face
Tag team ninguém aguenta / Tag team nobody can withstand
Humilhação tipo shot à panenka / Humiliation like a Panenka********* penalty kick
Depende, quantos é que são / It depends how many there are
São muito grandes ou um deles é anão / Are they very big or is one of them a dawrf?
Se for malta da pesada ainda ficamos em maus lençóis / If these guys are heavy, we could be in a tight spot
Consigo andar à porrada, mas não há cá heróis / I can fight but there are no heroes here
Prefiro resolver de forma sensata / I prefer to resolve this sensibly
Ser diplomata, sou franco / To be diplomatic, I am frank
Mas se tem de ser, siga / But if it has to happen, go ahead
Eu cubro-te o flanco / I’ll cover your back
Fiz jiu jitsu, sou cinturão branco / I did ju-jitsu, I’m a white belt

Invejas o don perignon / You envy the Dom Perignon
O chamon, os diamonds e o rolex / The weed, the diamonds and the rolex
Desculpa lá o flex / Pardon the flex
Mas por isso é que a dama que me dá sex é a tua ex / But it’s because of this that the woman who gives me sex is your ex
Tanto money no corpo uso o pulso como expositor / So much money on my body, I use my wrist like a showoff
E tu honey, só lhe dás uso em frente ao computador / And you, honey, you only use it in front of your computer
Eu nem tenho relógio / I don’t have a watch
Vejo as horas no telefone / I check the time on my phone
Que não é topo de gama / that isn’t top of the line
Nem é sequer é um iphone / I don’t even have an iphone
Não curto gastar assim / I don’t like splashing out like that
Em booze, drugs e ostentação / on booze and drugs and ostentation
Prefiro poupar e chegar / I prefer to save up and reach
Aos setenta são / my seventies

Os cães ladram e passa a caravana********** / The dogs bark and the caravan passes by
E nós aqui a chillar com a marijoana / and we’re here chilling with marijuana
Somos demasiado fat para ser fit / We’re too fat to be fit
All day smoking weed, we don’t give a shit / All day smoking weed, we don’t give a shit
Mais ou menos / More or less
Não fumo há bué anos, mas não condeno quem fuma / I haven’t smoked in years, but I don’t judge those who do
Só acho que há malta muito nova a fumar / I think it’s mostly young people smoking
Não quero influenciar / I don’t want to influence them
Porque depois o pessoal abusa / because then people abuse it

Man, dá lá aí uma passa ya, fuma aí / Man, take a hit on this, smoke up
É mesmo assim, Guilherme ya, somos os maiores deste a tuga até pequim / That’s how it is, Guilherme, we’re the greatest from Portugal to Peking
é mesmo assim, os mais pesados / that’s how it is, we’re the heaviest
Não curto gabar-me assim / I don’t enjoy boasting like this
Não dá para fazer uma ego trip humilde / It’s no good making a humble ego-trip
E deixar de parte ego / and leave out the ego part
às vezes acordo tão negativo / Sometimes I wake up so negative
Que me sinto abaixo de zero / That i feel less than zero
Tenho as minhas inseguranças / I have my insecurities
Acho que me está a bater a ganza / I think that weed is kicking in
Dias depressivos, sem vaidade / Depressive days, without vanity
Dias que não me acho capaz de fazer nada com qualidade / Days when I don’t feel able to do anything well
O meu ego tem síndrome de Estocolmo / My ego has Stockholm syndrome
Estou a ficar meio zonzo / I’m getting a little dizzy
Estou a ficar meio zonzo / I’m getting a little dizzy
Complexo deus aplaude o meu complexo de fraude / My god complex applauds my imposter syndrome
Bué deep / Really deep
Sou mil folhas / I am a thousand layers
Flow bue quick / Real quick flow
Beep beep / Beep beep
Tenho bué camadas / I’ve got so many levels
No sleep, horas acordadas / No sleep, awake for hours
Porque na cama tenho sempre muitas queridas bué dadas / Because in bed I always have many well-endowed babes

Sabia que tinha isso dentro de ti / I knew you had this in you
Estava a ver que não / I was thinking you didn’t
E se é para me gabar feito patrão / And if I have to boast, it’s done, boss
Sou ganda boss da programação / I’m the big boss of computer-programming
Tua cabeça não aguentavas a pressão, meu / You can’t stand the pressure, man
Ainda te dava uma como a Maria João, Abreu / I even gave you one with Maria Joao Abreu***********

Ai, olha aí, há limites, mano / Hey look, there are limits, bro
Acho bué falta de respeito dizeres uma cena dessas / I think it shows a lack of respect to say something like that
É uma egotrip, tudo bem, mas calma lá / It’s an ego trip, OK, but calm down
Não é preciso atirar com essa da programação à cara do pessoal / It’s not necessary to throw this computer-programming thing in people’s faces
Nem toda a gente tem o mesmo acesso à educação / Not everyone has the same access to education
Vou bazar, não curto estar aqui com gabarolas / I’m going to get out of here. I don’t want to be here with showoffs

*= Not sure what’s going on here – short for “nos esta(mos)” I think…?

**=I’ve gone against my principles and written this the american way because british spelling and rap do not mix

***=Look, I’m sorry, I’m just the translator, don’t blame me

****=I think this must mean the hungarian footballer who died of a heart attack on the pitch – hence the reaction!

*****=Comer a tua dama means “eat your lady” but comer is also a slang word for “have sex”, so I probably could have translated it less literally than this. The other relevant piece of information here is that the game we call drafts is called Damas in portuguese, and when you take the opponents piece, the word for taking can be “capturar” or “comer” so he could be talking about playing draughts. but in this context, probaby not!

******I guess he means Lamborghini here but the fact it’s so close to “lamber” is setting my double entendre radar pinging)

*******faroeste = far west? I’ve never heard this before, but I googled faroeste and it does indeed bring up a load of wild west films dubbed into portuguese!

********=-I assume this is the same as the slang use of spit in english – spitting lyrics, spitting facts. He’s dissing your rap lyrics, basically

*********= Panenka… he’s a footballer apparently. Good at penalties. Google him, I can’t explain

**********=This is an expression that comes up sometimes in exercise books – it just means something like – “we just carry on as normal, no matter what happens or who complains”

***********= Maria Joao Abreu was an actress who had died a few months before the video was released, so you’re meant to think that the shocked reaction that follows is as a result of the extreme bad taste of what he’s just said.

Posted in English, Portuguese

A joke that doesn’t work

Here’s a joke you can use at parties if you want people to look at you with a baffled, pitying expression:

Cola Cao

Hoje em dia, os cães são autocolantes mas antigamente, se quisesse prender um cão numa parede ou seja o que for, teria de usar Cola Cão

Cola = glue and Cão (with an accent) means dog so I’m reading this as dog glue, even though I know it’s a brand of hot chocolate powder and Cao is short for Cacau. The joke is just riffing off the idea of what you might use dog glue for.

It doesn’t work because Cao is pronounced differently from Cão. More like “Cáu”. Apparently it took a couple of reads to even see what I was driving at. Disappointing. I was quite proud of it.

Posted in English

Emos, Emas and Emus: know the difference

I put this meme on twitter earlier, inspired by a random thought from a previous post.

Tumbleweeds.

Emos, emas and emus. Know the difference.

It’s always a bit tricky when a joke in Portuguese dies on its arse. Is it because my grammar is incomprehensible, or is it just not funny. Reposted on Instagram and it got a few likes. OK, I’ll take that.